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Edward Cullen is a Gay Mexican

Follow the real Edward Cullen as he achieves his dream of marrying Anderson Cooper

Part 4

And then the lion fell in love with a lamb?

Part 3.

And then the lion fell in love with a lamb?

Edward Cullen is a Gay Mexican (part 2a)

Today was my first day at school.

I chose this particular high school because my retarded cousin, who got shot crossing the border, told me it was the best place for young gay boys. Of course, I was skeptical to take his advice, but then, he was the one who gave me tips on getting to America and here I am. Yes, I almost got caught, but it was because of a crazy ass nigga that could not swim for shit.

To make things worse, the nigga would not stop speaking Spanish to me and calling me Jose. Even after I told this fool my name was Edward Cullen, he still wouldn’t stop.

This nigga refused to believe I was white. “Am a white Mexican, bitch! You got that?! jealous ass nigga!”

"No, Jose, you lie, you lie" this bastard kept on repeating.

"You crazy black nigga motherfucker, what you doing in Mexico?!" I said angrily.

This was very annoying. You see, Dr Luis who was the town abortionist had performed five surgeries on me last year. The goal? “To be white and find Cooper Anderson” This is my dream.

Continued on part 2b

Edward Cullen is a Gay Mexican (Part 2b)

The first time I saw Anderson Cooper, I had just run away from home. My mother beat the shit out of my father, after she found me playing with my sister’s dolls. She kept hitting his head with a frying pan over and over again, screaming, “its your fault Jose is fucked! its your fault Jose is fucked.”

I knew my father’s brain would be Atole (Mexican porridge) by the time she was done, and guess who the bitch was coming for next? ME. I was out the window before the bitch could move her fat ass.

I was homeless and thinking of becoming a prostitute, when I saw a ray of sunshine: The most beautiful man with white hair, blue smoldering eyes, and the perfect gay body. He was the gay Adonis, the very reason I was gay. Yes! This was a message, a message from above. As I looked at him, I received the message he was giving me: “Edward, it is okay, it is okay to be gay, to be proud and to be emo. It will all work out, just ask CNN”

And then I had a vivid dream exactly seven days later. A man dressed in white with long flowing blond hair appeared to me. He told me If I was able to meet  Anderson Cooper before June 30, 2010, we will get married and live happily ever after.

Everything I have done since that day, has been for this dream. To meet Anderson Cooper, until today.

But today in biology class, I met the finest black girl with the biggest roundest booty ever. Her name is Bella.

Edward Cullen is a Gay Mexican (part 1)

I was born Jose Chihuahua Humberto Bazan, but that seems like ages ago.

These days, they call me Edward Cullen.

"How’s it going Edward?" my store manager called out to me.

"Yea, what you want nigga?" I said fully aware what he was about  to launch into.

"Some lady called, well, has been calling" he said, "I think her name is Bella, she says she wants you to leave her son alone and that-"

"She’s a crazy bitch. Where are the deliveries?" I waved him off with my hand.

"Umm, they are outside. Dont you think we should talk about this you know?"

"No, there’s nothing to talk about, she’s a crazy bitch" I said and made my way to the back door.

Miguel’s mother, that retarded bitch, has been calling every single soul that knows me.

Her son, Miguel, is the love of my life. However, he is very young and stupid sometimes. I dropped by to see him yesterday, and I figured it was best to slide in through his window. However, this nigga went ballistic and started screaming like freaking Bruno. He scared the shit out of me so bad that I spilled the can of oil I brought to make opening his window easier. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his bitch mother came in with a frying pan while his father, Charlie, came in with a short gun.


I spent five hours in jail yesterday.